Amity's Stories
Dominant women do not all wear leather, wield a whip or call men debasing names. For some women, that image is so frightening that the entire scope of female domination is beyond her ability or willingness to explore. Dominant women do not usually live in 24/7 (twenty four hours a day, seven days a week) FemDom relationships. Dominant women are normal people who find psychological, sensual and sexual joy in touching certain feelings inside them and allowing them to surface.
If a woman explores her dominance and isn't happy, then she's headed down a destructive path. Being a dominant woman should bring you happy feelings that are creative, assured, confident and comforting. And if you don't keep a sense of humor about all of this, you're missing the fun.
THE MYTH ABOUT DOMINANCE AND PAIN
Let's take a moment and talk about pain. When many women see photos or read stories about inflicting pain on men, they are turned off immediately and cannot comprehend why anyone would ever want to hurt someone she loves. First of all, female domination is NOT ABOUT PAIN. Although some men enjoy a certain amount of discomfort within sexual play, please get the idea of a leather-clad, bustier-wearing, thigh-booted Hollywood Dominatrix out of your head! This isn't what female domination is; this isn't a picture of what goes on in most bedrooms; this isn't really what your spouse or partner wants from you.
Pain is one of those intriguing stimuli that most people like to look at but not feel in real life. Don't allow the pictures of painful experiences to cloud your ability to look past the photograph and see what is really driving your own dominant feelings or the submissive side of your husband or lover.
WHAT ABOUT MY PHOTOS AND STORIES?
Although many of my stories and a large percentage of my photos can be categorized as extreme, their intent is to titillate and entice -- to be a sexual turn on that loving partners turn into a stimulus for creative, assertive, aggressive and great sexual and sensual experiences between themselves. A marriage and family therapist once told me that she used "porn videos" as aids to married couples. When I asked why, she replied, "Why shouldn't married people have great sex lives?" It was an answer that stuck with me and my stories and photos are offered more as a catalyst to great sex and enhanced relationship between loving people than they are for their shock value.
Simply, don't try this at home just because it's on my web site. You have to pick and choose and find the simple activities that feel good and right to both of you, at the outset, and then learn how to create your own unique style.
What too many submissive men who want dominant partners don't realize is that sexual domination is a process that takes time to develop, explore and share with a willing - - or eager - - partner.
I urge you to give that process time, start slowly and grow together.
THE PROCESS
Exploring female domination is a process with stages that apply to both the male and female partner in the journey. Because every couple is unique, there are no hard and fast rules to follow that guarantee success. Instead, read through the process and take those parts that fit you and your partner and use them. Perhaps one day you will return and take even more parts of the process as your own as your relationship develops and grows. But your relationship is NOT diminished by starting slowly and building.
AMITY'S RULES
- Start slowly
- Communicate repeatedly
- Enjoy yourself
COMMUNICATE
Nothing replaces communication. Nothing precedes communication. Nothing stops communication.
If you can't talk openly to your lover or spouse, then none of this will ever work for either of you and he will continue to try to find an outlet for his submission somewhere else. The biggest danger of not being able to communicate that I see is that one partner may seek the fulfillment of his or her desires outside your relationship and we all know what sort of disaster that can be. Yet I see so many men exploring their submission online that I've become alarmed at the frightening level of non-communication between otherwise loving partners and the fear of talking openly to the person who shares your life.
Men who seek relief or exploration of their submissive fantasies with "online dommes" can wreak havoc with themselves, their marriages or relationships, and in some extreme cases, with their professional lives.
So many men write to me and dismiss outright the ability to share their submissive fantasies with their wives. Whether they claim she will see it as "sick," or "warped," or "unnatural," doesn't matter. What I hear over and over and over again is the refrain, "My wife won't do that. She would never understand. I can't tell her."
This saddens me -- that professional men in their mid 30s, 40s and 50s who have established themselves in the world cannot find the courage or the trust to talk to their wives or lovers openly and honestly about something so important to them. In some cases, I've learned that they are men who are simply trying to experience some online fun and masturbate to an image of a dominatrix. However, many others are sincere in their desires and can't even imagine finding an outlet for their pent-up yearnings at home.
It's up to you -- the wife or lover -- to create an environment of trust for him in which he can share with you what he is so willing to share with me. If you haven't learned how to talk about serious and intimate issues, then either throw your hands up and give up, or learn how to communicate. It's never too late.
Nonverbal communication
If you can't find the words, then learn how to talk to each other without words.
Women can enjoy sex and certainly seem to like the intimacy it brings. Why
not initiate it? If you like it, why don't you more more of it or a new way
of experiencing it? Why not participate in it a little more aggressively?
One of the first steps in communicating without words can be as simple as grabbing
your partner and having sex with him (being "taken" is an FCF, or Fairly Common Fantasy,
men have). And use silent communication as a tool.
When you are making love,
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Take his hand and put it where you want it
It sounds easy enough and it is. If he's rubbing a part of you that doesn't do anything for you, move his hand! Place it where it feels good and show your enjoyment with a happy little moan. He'll get the idea.
(A note to women approaching or in menopause: you know that the 'same things' as before don't do it for you now. Isn't this a good time to try creative ways to foster that old feeling again? He needs to learn how to please you now and this might be a great way to bring a little physical pleasure back into your lovemaking.) -
Stop him when you've had enough
If he's stimulated you one way enough, then stop him. Pull his hand away or put it somewhere else. Better yet, put *your* hand somewhere it's not been in a while. The surprise, as well as the assertive way you place your hand there, will invigorate him. -
Make him do what feels good to you
The simplest thing a woman can do to impart an assertive feeling in traditional or "vanilla" sex is to introduce her partner to the secret things that make her feel good. Do you enjoy clitoral stimulation? Then take out your vibrator and hand it to him! Guide his hand where you want it and show him how to drive you wild with a toy you probably already own. (See Part 4 for toy suggestions.) -
Let him know when you're pleased
So far, I've encouraged you to tell him what you want without words. Now, let him know that his actions please you and make you feel good. Moaning is great feedback. A single groan is music to his ears. Not only will you let him know that you're having fun, but also you'll spice up your sex with a little happy noise. The sounds of sex are a symphony! Enjoy them.
Talk About It Out Loud
If you are a woman who cannot talk to your husband or lover about almost any
topic, then your issues are deep and perhaps this isn't a good time to
begin to learn how to take a more assertive or aggressive role and enjoy
it. But if you love him and value your marriage or relationship, it's up
to you to learn how to communicate with him. The first ice-breaking moment
is always difficult, but they get easier after that.
If you are a man seeking a partner to become more dominant and have never talked
about it before out of either fear or reluctance, you can still start. If you've
never talked about sex before, you can use this facet of your relationship
to learn how to talk to each other. The easiest way to start is slowly.
Just like a job interview, it helps to be prepared. Have a few questions and
responses ready before embarking on what may be your first foray into this
subject.
Timing
Make sure you've chosen a good time for the initial talk. Select a time that
you're driving together for at least an hour and choose music on the radio
that fits as background melodies (not a talk show). Open the conversation with
pre-selected topics that aren't intimidating or scary.
Take a deep breath. Relax. Pull a few openers out of your discussion bag and
test the waters.
Men
can try this:
-
"Hey, if one of us were going to be handcuffed during sex, would it be you or me?" (asked with a smile)
-
"I saw this HBO show called 'Real Sex.' Did you see what they did with a vibrator just like yours?"
-
"I found this web site about men who like to give their wives pedicures (or back rubs or massages). Does that sound like fun?"
-
"Let's stop at the Body Shop on our way back and get massage lotion so I can rub your shoulders and neck. You always talk about how much they hurt when you get home."
Women can try this:
-
"My desk at work is so uncomfortable! How about we stop and get some massage oil at Bath & Body Works today and you rub my shoulders tonight?"
-
"I want to buy some new candles and maybe put some in the bedroom. If you had to pick a color for them, what would it be?"
-
"I was browsing the web today and found the most amazing site -- it's something about "sex toys." Do you want to look at it when we get home?" (For a good link, go here: The Stockroom)
-
"I need some new lingerie -- and something sexy seemed like fun. Do you want to shop with me and help me select colors?"
Don't give up after the initial question is answered, and don't be dissuaded
if it's rebuffed or not wholeheartedly accepted. Your partner may be
a little taken aback, so evaluate the response before continuing. You
may find out that he really wants to go lingerie shopping with you and
you can make a detour to the mall before continuing on your trip.
Just don't give up.
Take It Out Of The Bedroom
The purpose of becoming a female dominant partner isn't limited to sex, but it
was a good place to start in this discussion. There are other places in your
lives that you'll find being dominant can make you happy. Let's start with
those things that you dislike the most.
Wouldn't it be great if he shared -- or took over -- some of those unpleasant
tasks at home?
Make the situation fun and he'll probably jump right in!
What
women can do:
One of the most disliked chores I know is emptying the dishwasher. Why not create
a little bit of playtime around that evil task? For example, (and of course,
this works better if there are no kids around at that moment), tell him to help
you empty the dishwasher and while he's doing it, rub his ass once with your
palm. As he reaches up to put the glasses away, stroke his cock. And then, just
to assert yourself a little more, walk away and sit down at the kitchen table
and watch him (sipping a soda is a nice touch). Make little comments, such as
-
"I enjoy watching you when you're all stretched out like that."
-
"Watching you bend down is entertaining."
-
"Your ass looks great! Have you been working out?"
Not only will he be intrigued by your entire demeanor, but also he might just volunteer to empty the dishwasher next time!
What other situations can you arrange to make your life easier and assert yourself a little bit more? Several everyday tasks come to mind. (If you have suggestions to add to this list, click here.)
-
Have him fill your car with gas and get it washed. Tell him that it pleases you when he does that and light those candles that night in the bedroom. He'll get the idea that pleasing you has its own rewards.
-
While he showers in the morning, remove his underwear from the bathroom and replace it with something you've purchased that might be a little sexier than that white stuff he probably buys. After his shower, be in the bathroom and hand him the scouring powder and a sponge. Tell him that he can have the new undies if he cleans the tub.
-
If you're alone with him, tell him you're stripping the bed and washing the sheets. Make a "stripping" joke and strip him, too. Have him help you put new sheets on the bed while he's naked or wearing only sexy undies.
What
men can do:
Men know how much women, especially working women (and I haven't yet found
a woman who doesn't work, whether it's inside the home or out), appreciate
both help around the house and little reminders that they are women, first.
You're not done wooing her just because you married her or are living with
her. Men who forget that their wives or lovers want and need romance are doomed
to looking for online play with nameless, faceless "dommes." Bring a little
spice into your lives without spending a great deal of money. Knowing that
you took the time and expended the effort to make her happy is worth more than
money.
-
If you commute by train, or pass a grocery store, make it a scheduled job to buy her a small bouquet of flowers for no reason at all and simply give them to her when you get home. In fact, "every Tuesday" is a nice touch.
-
Buy the body lotion that goes with her perfume and offer to rub it on her legs after she shaves in the shower. Get on your knees to do it. (If you're feeling frisky, shave her legs for her in the shower.)
-
Call her during the day or drop her an e-mail. Make it a daily event to communicate with her for no reason at all.
-
Go with her somewhere you don't want to go, like to a mall or grocery store. Help with the packages and pay attention to her selections. If you pass an appropriate store, suggest buying massage oil.
These suggestions are mere beginnings to creating an environment in which a woman can exercise a little dominance and be happy. I hope you've noticed that none of the above suggestions are "hard core," or involve fetish or kink toys, leather clothing or SadoMasochistic (SM) play. You don't start there. It's a journey -- take the time to walk it together.